How do I respond in pain?
Our hardwired response to being cracked open….
When I finished the documentary 13th about the criminalization of African Americans, I started cleaning the house frantically.
When I saw a baby on a plane after having two miscarriages, I thought, “I didn’t want a baby anyway.”
When my ministry was falling apart and we lost 6 out of 8 leaders in 6 months, I revisited our planting manual to come up with new strategies to fix it.
What did these strategies have in common? A fight or flight response to pain.
Fight or Flight
I’m not a neuroscientist or psychologist, but I love learning from them. According to neuroscientists, when we encounter suffering, trauma, or stress, the brain triggers our fight or flight response in the limbic system.
This is one of the most foundational parts of our brain that is most like the rest of the animal family - trained for self-protection and survival. It’s often called the “reptilian brain.” So, just imagine that when you get into this mode you become like an alligator thrashing around with scaly skin. I know that this is what I look like when I am hurt or angry or bitter. Just ask my husband - it’s not pretty.
The “Tells”
Studies have shown that there are physiological “tells” to when this part of our brain comes online. Adrenaline floods our body with energy and a number of involuntary body functions take place.
Our heart rate and blood pressure goes up, breathing quickens, and our bodies get ready to either combat what’s in front of us or run from it. We have a sudden burst of energy that is often fueled by our emotions like sadness, anger, fear, or shame.
We also have fight or flight coping mechanisms in our response to pain.
With my lost littles, I fought it with rationalization and denial. Telling myself false truths to make myself feel better.
When my ministry was falling apart, I fought it by trying to fix it with new ministry strategies.
When I was met with the reality of racism and how it plays out in our world, I fled the feelings of my own shame of white supremacy through busying myself with something else - cleaning the house.
Reacting from the Wrong Part of the Brain
God created our brains to anticipate threats and deal with them. This is really helpful when we are encountering life-threatening situations like wild beasts or forest fires.
The problem is, this part of our brain often can’t tell the difference between say, the threat of a Grizzly Bear and the threat of forgetting it’s our spouse’s birthday.
When this part of our brain is in the driver’s seat, we tend to be reactive, aggressive, and make quick judgements based out of fear or shame. When we do this, we often get the story wrong and react disproportionately to reality.
Brene talks about this in her work on shame. In Daring Greatly, she says,
“Our fight or flight strategies are effective for survival, not for reasoning or connection. And the pain of shame is enough to trigger that survival part of our brain that runs, hides, or comes out swinging.”
But how does this reaction show up, say - when we read the news or engage in triggering posts on social media?
We are all collectively fighting or fleeing in the midst of Coronavirus, Political divisiveness, and racial trauma and tension. Our world is literally on fire and whole communities and systems are responding with fear and shame. I know I am. Are you?
If we are reacting out of fear or shame, how do we get out of it? How do we get unstuck?
Awareness
In order to get out of the fight or flight response that is reactive, it requires intentionality and awareness.
Awareness is like a muscle in the brain that has to be exercised with practice and diligence.
We practice awareness by slowing down and paying attention. But this is a lot harder than we care to admit or even try. Our fight or flight mechanism is pretty strong! But for the sake of our health and the world around us, we must. And studies have shown that the more we practice awareness, the easier it becomes. It also enables us to see others and ourselves with empathy - which we need a whole lot more of in this world.
Before we can really get into how to handle our fight or flight reaction, we need to:
Identify your “tells” when you go into fight or flight.
We all have them. I’ll give you mine. Maybe you can relate:
A sudden compulsion to clean everything in the house
Blaming someone else for what’s wrong (usually my husband - poor Steven)
Working at an inhuman pace to complete as many tasks as I can - especially email.
Immediately assigning tasks to other people (usually my husband - wow, He really is a good man to put up with me!)
Rushing into a situation to fix it.
Venting to a friend compulsively via text or phone about what just happened.
Posting a rant on facebook
Here are some other ways your “tells” might show up:
Netflix binges, gaming, compulsive consumption of food, alcohol, sex, porn. Your fight or flight brain reasons, “Maybe I can just numb the pain.”
Or perhaps we try to silence it through busyness or even serving in the church. “Maybe if I stay busy enough, I can just pretend the pain doesn’t exist.”
When you recognize some of these triggers are happening, don’t judge or criticize yourself. This is your brain’s way of dealing with the pain. Besides, criticism just tends to exacerbate the problem. Instead, follow these steps:
Slow Down and Breathe.
Find a quiet and safe place to be with Jesus. Take a few slow and deep breaths. This allows oxygen to get to the brain and integrate other parts of your brain that are more developed - like where logic and empathy is stored.
Identify
Your body. What’s happening in your body? Can you tell if your heart rate is increased? Are there certain muscles that feel tight or in pain?
Your feelings. Here is a good color wheel chart to identify some if you have trouble. Do I feel shame? Fear? Anger? Where do you feel your emotions in your body?
Ask
Is there anything I’m trying to control, fix, or manage? Is there anything I am trying to avoid, numb, or silence?
Search for the Truth
What happened? What is causing me to feel what I’m feeling? What is the pain pointing to? What is the truth behind the pain (more on this in the next post)?
Reflect:
Identify Your Tells: How do you act when you are under stress, going through loss, or disappointment? Where do you feel it in your body? Were there any examples above that you relate to? If you don’t know - ask someone close to you. They probably know better than you do!
Practice the Steps to Awareness (if we practice them when we aren’t stressed, we will have better muscle memory to use these when we need them most)! Consider practicing these after you watch a Presidential Debate or listen to the news!
Slow Down and Breathe. Find a quiet and safe place to be with Jesus. Take a few slow and deep breaths. This allows oxygen to get to the brain and integrate other parts of your brain that are more developed - like where logic and empathy is stored.
Identify: Your Feelings. Name them. Where do you feel your emotions in your body? What’s happening in your body? Can you tell if your heart rate is increased? Are there certain muscles that feel tight or in pain?
Ask: Is there anything I’m trying to control, fix, or manage? Is there anything I am trying to avoid, numb, or silence?
Search for the Truth: What happened? What is causing me to feel what I’m feeling? What is the pain pointing to? What is the truth behind the pain?
In the next post, we will dive more into the Search for Truth and why this step is so important. In the meantime, I encourage you to utter this simple prayer,
Pray
Lord Jesus,
You are familiar with all of our ways as human beings. In the midst of stress, pain, disappointment, and loss, help me to slow down and return to you. Help me to retrain my brain to night run from or fight pain, but enter it courageously with you so that you can heal and transform me through it.
Amen.
